Faith, Hope and Charity
by Laura1
Summary: Faith finds out the consequences of becoming a mother and Spike needs help. Fifth in a series.


_Introduction ~_ If you want background go and read the first four in the series. I'm bored of having to keep repeating myself. 

_Disclaimer ~_ Um, I own the baby…and that's about it. 

_Author's Notes ~_ I was suffering serious writer's block over this one. I had a vague idea of what I wanted to happen but no a clue how it was actually going to occur. Hence, this is not one of my better efforts. Also, so far I have tried to avoid mentioning any events that might be covered by the actual show in the near future in order to keep my series continuous with the Jossverse. However, I just couldn't resist writing this little graveyard encounter between Buffy and Spike. 

"No." Angel spoke resolutely. "I'm not doing it."

"Why not?" Faith demanded.

"I'm gonna play the 'I'm an evil bloodsucking vampire' card."

"Uh-uh," Cordelia shook her head. "That one doesn't wash with us anymore. You're formally evil and the only sucking you get up to nowadays is best left private between you and Buffy."

"Why can't you and John do it?" Angel countered to Cordelia. 

"We've been though this. John and I are busy this evening." She rolled her eyes. "I don't know what the big deal is, anyway. You've got Buffy to help you."

"She's having dinner with her father tonight."

"Oh, well. It'll just be you then. Have fun." She breezed out the door.

"Wesley?" Angel tried hopefully. 

"Um, sorry, Angel. But I'm afraid I have a prior commitment."

"You wouldn't like to elaborate as to what this prior commitment is at all?" Angel asked sceptically. 

"Um, no." Wesley blushed bright red, a sure sign he was lying. "But, I'm going to be late for it if I don't hurry up." He scuttled out of the room and Angel sighed heavily. 

He decided to try one last attempt. He turned to Gunn and looked at him pleadingly. "You wouldn't trust a vampire with your only child, would you?"

The other man grinned broadly. "Ordinarily no, but I'll make an exception just this once. These are special circumstances."

Faith matched his grin. "Yeah, we actually have a reservation at a restaurant where the food comes on proper plates not in polystyrene containers."

Angel saw how happy the couple both looked and the last of his resistance faded. Faith had only just recovered after the difficult birth of her baby and this was their first night out together since then. The least he could do was watch their three-month old daughter, Hope, for a couple of hours. He was supposed to be the baby's godfather, after all, and it couldn't be that difficult a task.

"Alright then. I'll do it."

"Thanks man." Gunn was already shrugging on his jacket, getting ready to leave.

"Yeah, thanks." Faith scooped Hope out of the baby carriage and deposited her in Angel's arms. "There's spare diapers in the bag if she needs changing and there's some bottles of formula made up as well. Just zap the bottles in the microwave for a few minutes before you give them to her – like you do with blood."

"Just don't get the two mixed up." Gunn joked and Angel glared at him. 

"If you get into any trouble you can call Buffy." Faith grinned. "We'll see you in the morning."

"The morning?" Angel gasped. "I thought this was only going to be for a few hours, not all night!"

"Bye!" Angel heard the outside door slam as Faith and Gunn escaped through it. 

_OK, _he thought, _I can do this. I'm two-hundred-and-fifty years old. If I can deal with demons, vampires, magical spells, twenty-first century technology and a couple of lifetimes worth of Hell, then I can certainly cope with looking after one little baby for a couple of hours. No problem. _

He moved to put Hope back down and she started to cry. He picked her back up again and tried jiggling her up and down to calm her. He must have done it wrong, though, because she only seemed to get more agitated. She couldn't be hungry, he decided, because Faith had only just fed her. Angel tried giving the baby her pacifier and, when she wouldn't accept it, attempted to distract her with a rattle. Neither worked. There was only one thing left that could be wrong, he realised despairingly. She needed her diaper changing. He stared at the packet of disposable diapers Faith had left for him helplessly. _Shouldn't there be instructions with these, _he thought desperately, wondering how on earth he'd let himself get talked into this. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Gunn stared across the table of the restaurant at the beautiful woman who sat opposite him. She reminded him of a porcelain doll. Her skin was so pale and smooth, like alabaster, and the contrast with her dark hair and eyes was striking. Her lips, so full and painted such a deep, rich red, seemed to beg him to lean over and kiss them. He would never tire at gazing at Faith, in the same way he would sit just watching Hope sleeping for hours on end. Every rise and fall of her tiny chest as she breathed seemed like a miracle to him and every breath his baby daughter took reminded him of how lucky he was to have her. To have them both. 

He had experienced so little happiness and joy in his life that feeling like this, so content and satisfied, was an almost entirely new experience to him. He had only ever come close before during the times in his youth when he had experimented with drugs and then the highs he had experienced had only been chemically induced and fleeting. He would soon return to the depressed mood that passed for his usual state of existence. Now, though, he woke up smiling everyday and could barely believe his good fortune. 

He initially traced this change in his life back to meeting Faith. It was her who had brought the love back into his life that he thought had been lost forever after his sister had died. But when he considered it more carefully, the event that had really altered the path of his life had not been meeting Faith, but meeting Angel. The vampire had literally taken him off the streets and given him the first proper job he'd ever had. Under Angel's tutelage he'd learnt not only improved fighting skills, but also a new, more mature outlook on life. He'd learnt to control his quick temper, as well as calming his wild ways. Before he'd become involved with Angel Investigations there had been nothing in the world that he cared about - apart from his sister, but she had been cruelly torn away from him. Angel had given him a purpose in life and a focus for his energies that wasn't self-destructive. 

Gunn appreciated that Angel had done a similar thing for Faith – had pulled her out of the darkness and into the light – and he thought that this was one of the reasons he felt such a close connection to Faith. Angel truly deserved his name; he watched over lost souls and guided them along their way. He was certainly Faith and Gunn's guardian angel and it was their intention that he be Hope's as well. This was not to suggest that Gunn's boss was in any way perfect, in fact, Angel was anything but. The events that had occurred involving Angel and Darla shortly after Gunn had joined AI proved that point. But in many ways that was why Angel had such an influence over people in trouble. He was not some holier than thou figure who preached at you, but an honest, up-front individual who understood your predicament and wanted to help. And this was the example that Gunn wanted to follow.

He smiled briefly to himself. He was in such a good mood at the moment that he couldn't help putting a positive spin on everything. If someone could hear his thoughts now they'd come away with the impression that everything in his life was wonderful. Of course, in reality things were not like that. Life was difficult and he and Faith had come through a lot of tough times. Most noticeably when she had recently nearly died giving birth to their baby. She and Hope had been in hospital for a whole two weeks after the birth and Gunn had visited them everyday.

It had been difficult seeing Faith looking so ill. He had fallen in love with her because of her life and vibrancy and to suddenly see all that life drained out of her was a tremendous shock. Underneath the pale, tired exterior, however, still existed his Faith and as soon as her body began to heal Gunn noticed the return of her familiar teasing grin and knew that everything was going to be all right. After what seemed like an eternity the doctors had declared her well enough to go home and they started their new life with the baby in earnest. Things had not been easy. They were short of money and could often not buy Hope the things they felt she deserved. Angel had been generous, never stopping Faith's salary even though she was unable to return to work after the baby was born, but he only had limited funds to draw from and things were still difficult. 

He and Faith weren't arguing anywhere near as much as they had before the baby was born, but strangely enough Gunn viewed this as a bad thing. Their arguing had always been a sign of the passion between them and now Gunn felt as though that was fading. It was natural, he supposed, that their relationship would cool down after they'd had a baby, and they were still very loving towards each other, so there wasn't a problem really. It was just that recently he hadn't seen any indications of the passion that had burnt so brightly in Faith before she gave birth. Some of this passion he knew was for slaying, which she hadn't yet started up again. She claimed she was back to full strength, but a nagging voice in the back of Gunn's head told him she was lying. Lately when he'd looked into her eyes he'd seen only tiredness rather than the fire that usually burned there. 

He pushed these concerns to the back of his head, as he watched Faith enthusiastically consume the gourmet meal he'd saved up for five weeks to be able to afford as a treat. Caring for a young baby 24 hours a day wasn't exactly an easy task, he rationalised. It was just starting to get to her that was all, which was exactly why they were here, taking a break from everything. She was happy enough, he knew. She told him everyday. There was nothing to worry about. He drained his glass of wine and signalled for the waiter to bring another. He was supposed to be enjoying himself, after all. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Angel leant back in his leather chair and closed his eyes. It had taken the best part of an hour to get Hope off to sleep and then he had only managed it by rocking her in his arms and reading aloud _The Canterbury Tales_. Chaucer was enough to put anybody to sleep, he had decided, apparently correctly. Now a hundred pages into the volume, even he was beginning to yawn. He put the book aside in favour of studying the warm bundle he cradled in his arms. Hope was a beautiful baby; even Angel, who felt he had no affinity for children at all, had to admit it. Her skin was the colour of caramel, a pleasing blend of Faith's pale and Gunn's dark complexions, she already had a full head of black, curly hair and her eyes – when not scrunched up in sleep as they were now – were huge, dark and enchanting. She was also a large baby, despite her prematurity and difficult delivery. She had grown quickly and early indications were that she had inherited at least some of her mother's superior strength. 

As Angel looked down at the baby he was holding he felt a curious feeling of detachment. It wasn't that he didn't care - he worried almost constantly about the welfare of Hope, especially when looking after her was his responsibility – it was just that not being human he lacked the basic biological drive to protect the young of the species. The sight of a baby provoked an automatic response in humans; it triggered the innate drive to love and nurture. Angel, despite his soul, was lacking this drive, so he knew his concerns for Hope were more intellectual than emotional in nature. In short he had no paternal instincts whatsoever. In time Hope's own personality would reveal itself and he would come to love her as an individual, but until then he still felt a little uncomfortable looking after her.

He tried to shift Hope's weight to a different part of his lap, but gently so as not to wake her. This was one time when he actually felt grateful he had no circulation, otherwise he would have been suffering pins and needles all down his arm by now. Hope was certainly a lot heavier than she looked. He shut his eyes again, trying to recall long buried memories of when he was human and living in Galway. He'd had a younger sister then, whom he would mind for his parents sometimes. But this hadn't been often, as they had a servant for that sort of thing and he hadn't really been interested in children back then. He found himself wishing he'd spent more time with her or had been a kinder brother. Now he couldn't even recall her face properly. The only vivid memory he had of her was when he killed her. 

Angel snapped his eyes open as the images of blood and bodies began to intrude. He shook his head gently as if the action would banish the visions from his mind's eye. It didn't work. He lifted Hope higher into his arms and stood up slowly, praying the action would not disturb her. Moving an inch at a time he carried the baby across the room and gently deposited her in the Moses basket that would temporarily serve as a crib. Once satisfied that she was comfortable and still asleep, he retreated back to the other side of the room, suddenly afraid to be near her. He knew it would be a long time before he could rid his thoughts of the memories of his time as Angelus and he did not want to feel Hope in his arms as he recalled such things. He should be associating love and warmth with the baby not death and carnage.

Fortunately, his macabre train of thought was interrupted by the return home of Buffy. She immediately took in both the expression on his face and the way he was awkwardly leaning against the wall and her concern was raised.

"What's the matter?" She asked worriedly. 

He shook his head. "Nothing."

"Is the baby OK?"

"She's fine. She's sleeping."

Buffy bent to check on Hope and he saw the love shining from her eyes as she took in the baby's sleeping form. Angel knew she was experiencing the very same parental instinct that that he had earlier felt so lacking in himself. He felt a stab of guilt that he was depriving her from having her own children. After verifying Hope was fine Buffy turned and walked over to Angel, her brow creasing with worry. She knew him well enough to tell when something was bothering him and now was definitely one of those times.

She stood directly in front of him and touched his cheek softly with her hand. "What were you thinking about?" She asked.

Angel smiled ironically. "Family."

She didn't answer but instead leant forward and kissed him gently on the lips. At the same time moving her hand from his cheek to caress the nape of his neck.

"Are you sure?" Angel whispered the question into Buffy's ear. She would know what he meant because he had asked the question so many times before, especially after Faith had given birth to her baby. 

"Of course I am." Buffy ceased kissing him long enough to whisper a reply. "I love you."

Angel smiled gratefully. The answer was always the same, Buffy was sure she wanted to stay with him despite the fact they couldn't have children together. He had to keep asking, though, not only for his own reassurance but so that Buffy knew she had a way out. She didn't have to stay if it was making her unhappy - that was the last thing Angel wanted. She could always answer 'no' and he would understand. But she never did. 

"I love you too." He wrapped his arms around Buffy and pulled her closer to him. She responded by lavishing kisses on his neck, always a sensitive area for a vampire, whilst he ran his fingers through her long hair. The scent and feel of Buffy filled his senses and pushed all thoughts of Angelus away.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A loud banging jolted Buffy out of sleep. She jerked upright in bed only to sense Angel do exactly the same beside her. Someone was knocking on the door of the offices downstairs, she realised. She leant over and switched on the bedside lamp, noting as she did so that it was three o'clock in the morning. _Not a social call then_, she guessed. 

"I'll get it." She told Angel, volunteering for the task, mainly because she was at least wearing pyjamas, whereas Angel had slept naked. She smiled slightly to herself, she loved the vampire with a passion, but due to him having no natural body heat it could get rather cold snuggling up to him in bed. _Of course_, she thought irrelevantly as she rushed downstairs to answer the door, _it had also been known to get rather hot too, upon occasion._

The persistent knocking soon managed to drag her thoughts back to the present, however, and she was beginning to get increasingly annoyed with whoever it was at the door. If they didn't shut up soon they were going to wake up Hope. And it had taken four more chapters of Chaucer to put her back to sleep again after she'd woken up earlier, by which point Buffy was nearly in a catatonic state herself. She reached the front door and after briefly fiddling with the locks, managed to yank it open. Then she nearly had a heart attack when she saw who was standing there. 

"Spike!" Where before she had been feeling violent impulses towards their late night caller, now they were practically homicidal. "What the hell are you doing here?" She hissed in a low voice.

"'Ello, love." Spike called out loudly, obviously very drunk. "That's no way to greet your ex-arch enemy now is it?"

"Shush," Buffy reprimanded him. "You'll wake the baby."

"Baby!" Spike looked disgusted. "Bloody 'ell, you and the poof haven't been reproducing have you?"

"No, we're looking after her for a friend. Now keep your voice down before I stake you."

"With what, love?" Spike indicated to her empty hands. "Unless you've got a stake secreted up you nightie then you're pretty much at my mercy." He lunged towards her drunkenly then jerked backwards clutching his head. 

"So, you're still with chip, I presume." Buffy remarked, amused. She turned, hearing a noise behind her, to see Angel coming down the stairs, still finishing buttoning his shirt. 

"What's going on?" He asked, before identifying their visitor and groaning loudly. "Spike. What are you doing here?"

"Just thought I'd drop in on a few old friends." He grinned broadly, approaching Angel with open arms, as if inviting a hug. "I haven't seen you guys in ages."

"What do you want Spike?" Angel asked, not amused. 

"Got myself in a spot of trouble, see?" The blonde vampire replied. "Thought who better to help me out than my old mate Angel."

"Why should I help you?" 

"That's what you do now isn't it? Help people? Play the big hero. Save souls. Blah, blah, blah."

"You are neither a person nor have you a soul." Angel replied annoyed. "Now would you please just leave."

"You can't throw me out," Spike put on a mock hurt expression. "I'm family. And I'm asking you for help. You -" he staggered over to Angel and prodded him in the chest, "are morally obliged to provide the assistance I ask for."

Angel stared angrily at Spike then glanced across at Buffy. She nodded slightly, she remembered back when she had been in college Spike had often been a help to her and he was very supportive after her Mom had died. Even if he had been creepily obsessed with her at the time, she still felt as if she owed him something.

Angel sighed heavily. "Alright," he assented. "But we're not talking about it tonight. Come back in the morning."

"Cheers mate. Couldn't kip here for the night, though, could I?"

Angel just glared.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Faith was frustrated. It seemed like her body was betraying her. She had coped with pregnancy because the changes that had occurred to her physical self had been a means towards an end. She had known that in nine months it would be over and she would be rewarded with a baby for all her suffering. And suffer she certainly had done. Fortunately, her memory had blocked out much of the worst pain she had experienced when giving birth to Hope, but she could still recall snatches of it and would sometimes wake up sweating and anxious after vivid dreams of being back in hospital. 

Then it was over, she had her baby, she had paid her debt as a woman, now she was supposed to be able to get on with her life. But something was wrong; her body wouldn't let her get back to normal. She was just so tired all the time and her muscles felt so weak, like she had no strength left. It scared her. She was so used to being strong and agile and all those things that made her special as the slayer, that when they were taken away she just felt helpless. The feeling was completely new to her, she hadn't even felt this weak immediately after she came out of her coma. In fact then she'd awoken rested and stronger. Now she just felt run into the ground.

At first she'd thought she still wasn't fully recovered from Hope's difficult delivery. The doctors had said it would take some time and that she should rest up for a while. But she had rested for three months now and she still wasn't feeling any better. The dark shadows were gone from under her eyes and her skin was no longer pale and sallow - to all the world she looked healthy - but she knew her own body and she knew something was wrong. All her underlying energy, her liveliness, her power – it was all gone. She felt like a shell of the woman she used to be.

She had tried to speak to Gunn about how she was feeling. But he had just smiled at her and said that looking after Hope all day, every day was wearing her down. That was what last night had been about. It was her treat, her night off away from the baby. And she'd felt better for a time, she really had. She and Gunn had even made love, for the first time since she'd had the baby. Faith smiled fondly as she remembered their exertions of the night before. It had been far too long since the last time and she missed having that closeness with Gunn. She frowned slightly, wondering when sex had become about the closeness rather than the pleasure and passion of the act. Maybe that was another change she could attribute to being a mother.

Last week she had been to the doctor about how she was feeling. He had diagnosed post-natal depression. She had tried to tell him that she didn't feel depressed, that on the contrary this was the happiest and most content she'd ever been. She had a beautiful daughter and a wonderful, kind, sensitive lover, both of whom she loved with all her heart. She finally felt as though she'd found her place in life – she was where she belonged and Hope was her destiny and her future. The problem was physical not emotional. The doctor had listened quietly to her speech, nodded with understanding then proceeded to explain that depression very often manifested itself somatically as well as psychologically. Faith had barely understood half of the complicated words he had used but she had known he was wrong anyway. Nonetheless he had prescribed her a course of anti-depressants and told her to return at the end of the course if she still didn't feel any better. Faith had nodded, knowing full well she wouldn't be back.

She held one of those pills between her fingers now, wondering whether or not to take it. It was so small - smaller than she had imagined - it was difficult to believe that anything so tiny and insignificant could have any sort of impact on the way she was feeling. _Besides, I'm not depressed_, she thought to herself. _That doctor was wrong._ But it couldn't hurt just to take the pills, surely? They might make a difference. She wanted to be better so desperately; she wanted to feel like the old Faith, the one that had the energy and strength to do anything she wanted. Maybe it was her mind that was the problem; she was wallowing in weakness and self-pity. If she wanted to be back to her old self then she had to get up of her backside and make it happen. 

She swallowed the pill in one gulp, without water to wash it down even. Then she stood up, feeling a new resolve and went to join the others in the training room.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Angel deflected yet another blow from Buffy, studying her sparring technique as he did so. She was in the best shape he'd ever seen her. She'd learnt to combine her innate strength with superior fighting skills and tactics. Angel knew that if he met her on the street for a fight to the death then she would easily beat him. As it was, they knew each other far too well for any match between them to ever have a clear victor. Most of the moves she used Angel had taught her himself, so he knew what to expect and exactly how to counter them. 

As she swung a left hook towards his chest he let the blow contact, instead focusing his attention on Buffy's right side, which she had left unguarded. He grabbed her by the waist with both hands and flipped her over on to the mat, dropping down with her as he did so to pin her to the floor. 

"I win." He smiled down at her. 

"Only because I let you," she replied, raising her head slightly off the mat in order to kiss him.

"Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting something?"

Angel looked up to see Faith standing in the doorway grinning. He let Buffy out from underneath him and helped her up to her feet. 

"Is Hope OK?" Buffy addressed Faith.

"She's fine. She's sleeping. You must have kept her up all night or something."

Angel exchanged an amused glance with Buffy. After Spike had rudely awoken them all it had taken almost forever to get Hope settled down again. It was no wonder she was sleeping so soundly now. 

"I thought I'd get some training in while she was quiet," Faith continued.

"Are you sure you're ready?" Angel was concerned. He didn't want to rush Faith back into slaying before she was ready. He worried that she might be overdoing things, she didn't seem quite recovered from giving birth yet.

Faith shrugged. "I've gotta start back sometime."

Angel nodded. If this was what Faith wanted then there was no use trying to stop her. "Do you want to do some solo work first or would you like to go straight into doing some sparring?"

"I think I can manage some sparring," Faith said with confidence.

"OK." Angel replied slowly. "Me or Buffy?" 

"B, you game?" Faith asked. 

Buffy nodded and they moved into the centre of the room to start their fight. Angel watched on in concern. He always worried when Faith and Buffy sparred because of the history the two women shared. They had fought each other for real upon several occasions and there was a chance that the two of them could get caught up in the momentum of the fight and take things too far. Angel knew that the two of them had long since sorted out their differences and that any lingering resentment between them had been wiped away by the birth of Faith's baby. But they were both still slayers and if they ever allowed their natural instincts to take over then they could seriously hurt one another. This was why Angel felt the need to stand by and watch, in case things got out of hand.

The two women circled each other slowly. Both wore expressions of complete concentration, totally focused on the fight - each daring an attack from the other and each ready to defend herself at a second's notice. As per usual Faith was the aggressor, she was the wilder, more impatient one, whereas Buffy was quite happy to wait for her opponent to make the first move. Faith's punch glanced off Buffy's shoulder without the other woman even flinching. Faith seemed bothered by this and jumped backwards - not quickly enough, however, to avoid receiving a scissor kick from Buffy to her midriff. Angel watched anxiously as Buffy's kick caused Faith to lose her balance and topple sideways on to the mat. 

Buffy backed off, unwilling to take things too far and worried over Faith's welfare. _She's not ready for this,_ Angel thought from the sidelines and was just about to intervene to stop things when Faith scrambled to her feet and launched herself at Buffy like a wild animal. Having caught Buffy off guard Faith managed to knock the blonde slayer to the floor, whereupon Faith started reigning blows down upon her. Angel stepped forward to break the two apart, but Buffy already seemed to have the situation well in hand. She pushed Faith off her easily and delivered a sharp kick to the other woman's chest, which sent her flying across the room and crashing into the opposite wall. Faith's body slid down the wall and she lay unmoving on the floor. 

Buffy rushed over, her anxiety and guilt obvious from her expression. "Faith!" She shook her friend by the shoulder. "Are you all right? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to kick you that hard!"

Faith opened her eyes and smiled weakly. "It's OK, B. You didn't know." She tried to move then cried out in pain. 

"Just lie still for a while." Angel spoke soothingly. "Do you think you've broken anything?"

"No," Faith said through gritted teeth. "Nothing hurt except my pride." She struggled into a sitting position. "I don't think I was quite up to doing that yet," she tried to joke. 

Angel narrowed his eyes. Something was seriously wrong, he knew. Faith should have been able to handle a kick like that no problem, even if she was still a little weakened from giving birth. _And she certainly shouldn't be in this much pain after just being thrown across the room_, he thought. He'd been in fights with Faith before, he'd seen her jump to her feet after falling out of a third storey window and he'd seen her recover from injuries that the doctors said would leave her comatose for the rest of her life. This girl that suddenly needed help to get up after a gentle sparring session was definitely not the same Faith that Angel knew. 

"I think you should rest for a while." He told her. "I'll take you to lie down upstairs." He slipped one arm around her waist and supported her weight against him as they walked upstairs. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I'm OK, Angel. I really don't need to rest." Faith was still making her cursory protests as Angel half carried her into the apartment above the office. 

"Well I think you do, so just humour me, alright?" The vampire replied.

Buffy hovered round them both, concerned about Faith. She knew there was something wrong with the other slayer. Faith's blows had lacked any kind of force behind them; in fact Buffy had hardly felt them. She knew that this had very little to do with Faith holding back any aggression. Faith's attack on her had proved that and, besides, Faith had never been one to show restraint in a fight. No, the problem was that Faith seemed to be lacking the power to back up her blows and, Buffy recollected, she also seemed to be missing her usual speed and balance. If Buffy didn't know better she would have said she had been fighting just another normal person not a highly experienced slayer, which only made her feel more guilty over hurting Faith in the way she did. 

"Do as Angel says, Faith." Buffy implored, worry evident in her voice. 

"Oy!" An annoyed voice came from the direction of the sofa. "Can't you lot keep it down? You're making enough noise to wake the dead." Spike moaned at having his sleep disturbed. "You're giving me a bleeding headache."

Buffy sighed, what heinous crimes had she committed in a previous life to deserve being cursed with Spike in this one? "I think it was the 12 beers you had last night that gave you the headache," she remarked. "And if you hadn't been up at all hours of the morning disturbing us then you might not need the extra sleep."

Spike merely grunted in reply and Angel turned to him, the elder vampire's formidable patience already starting to reach its limits. "Get up and meet me downstairs in five minutes," he commanded. "The sooner we can sort out whatever problem you need help with then the sooner you can leave."

"Suits me, mate." Spike said flippantly. "Now, you got anything for breakfast round here?" 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ten minutes later Faith was resting as instructed, Hope asleep by her side, Spike had managed to substantially deplete Angel's blood supply and a team was gathered downstairs to deal with whatever problem the blonde vampire was facing. Angel sat behind his desk, Buffy in a chair close to his side. Cordelia lounged sullenly in the corner glaring daggers at Spike. Wesley was poised to attention with a note pad and pen, ready to jot down any details to be researched. Gunn leant against the wall, his mind not at all focused on the problem but distracted by his concerns for Faith. And Spike positioned himself in a seat in the middle of the room, both feet up on Angel's desk, deliberately provoking his Grandsire. 

Angel began the discussion. "If we're going to help you Spike then it'll be on our terms. You understand?" He addressed Spike in a low threatening voice. "If you mess any body here about then I will stake you myself."

Spike nodded. "Fair enough."

"Now Buffy tells me you still can't hurt humans." Angel continued.

"Yep, still got that sodding chip in place."

"Why?" Wesley interjected. Spike looked thrown by the question, so the former watcher continued. "Why didn't you have it removed years ago? Surely if the surgical expertise exists to implant a microchip like that then there should also be the expertise to take it out."

Spike looked annoyed. "Yeah, sure, people exist who _could _get rid of it, but it's more a matter of persuading them to go actually go through with it. No honest, upstanding doctor in their right mind would remove a chip that renders a vampire harmless, I can't afford to pay the bent ones and the evil, twisted ones just think it's too bloody amusing to do anything about. So, I'm stuck with it." He crossed his arms and settled back in an angry sulk.

"As long as you're still harmless to humans then we can help you." Buffy declared, causing Angel to feel an irrational stab of jealousy. He was well aware that Spike had once had 'feelings' for Buffy, which though not strictly love - because without a soul love was impossible - were certainly bordering on the obsessive. Buffy had also confessed to him that at one point she had been tempted by at least a physical relationship with Spike simply to stave away the loneliness she was feeling at the time. But she hadn't gone through with it - in the end she hadn't been able to do so. Her empty night of passion with Parker had taught her how unfulfilling sex without love could be, and although there was surface chemistry between her and Spike there was nothing deeper and neither was there ever likely to be. 

She and Spike still shared a bond, though, Angel acknowledged with displeasure. They'd fought and patrolled together on many occasions and Buffy had come to view the cockney vampire as an ally rather than an enemy. Maybe, Angel mused to himself, it was the fact that Spike had got to share Buffy's time in college with her that he was jealous of, rather than the suggestion of any romantic dealings between them. Even though Angel realised that their time apart had been good for each other, and probably in both their cases very necessary, he still felt bitter about missing out on so much of Buffy's life.

There was silence in the room and Angel realised that the rest of the group were waiting for him to speak. "So, Spike, what seems to be the problem?" He prompted.

The younger vamp sighed. "It's Dru," he replied bitterly. "She's been causing me all sorts of hassle." He looked over at Angel. "I thought you were the best person to handle it, since you've already been through all this with your sire," he smirked.

Angel glared and the rest of the room bristled at the mention of Darla. The memories of the trouble she caused with the sponsorship of Wolfram and Hart were still painful. Spike realised he wasn't going to get any more response to this than the uncomfortable silence already provoked, so continued with his story.

"Well, her latest thing is 'auditioning' for a new lover," he grimaced. "She got these two demons fighting after her, so she's declared whichever one can kill her former love first gets to win her hand."

"And you would be the former lover in question?" Wesley asked, noting something down on his pad.

"Well, I suppose I deserve it for having the poor sense to date the crazy cow in the first place." Spike said by way of an answer. 

"You can fight demons can't you?" Angel asked. "So, why do you need our help?"

"I can fight demons, sure," Spike replied. "But not two seven foot, blood thirsty, love struck Jiksu demons at once I can't. Did you know that members of that species have two sets of arms each?"

"No wonder Dru's so keen to go out with one." Cordelia remarked under her breath. 

"So if we get rid of these demons for you then that still leaves the problem of Dru." Angel pointed out.

"It also leaves the problem of the bill." Cordelia said. "We charge for demon assassinations, you know. One thousand dollars per head, though we could knock it down to seven fifty I suppose, seeing as you are Angel's family."

"Cordelia, we won't be charging Spike." Buffy announced. "It's not like he could afford to pay, anyway."

"Hey!" Spike jumped in offended, then thought for a moment. "No, actually she's got a point there."

"We'll discuss how Spike will repay his debt later." Angel settled the debate. "Now I think we should plan what we're going to do about Dru."

"OK, insane, evil vampire. Goes around killing people. Hate to suggest a radical plan here, but how's about we stake her." Cordelia spoke up.

"I'm not having any problems with that plan." Buffy agreed.

Angel and Spike exchanged looks. Angel shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "I'd really rather it didn't have to come to that."

"Yeah, come on," Spike added. "Be fair on the old girl. She doesn't deserve to be staked."

"She's killed hundreds of people and if she's not stopped will go on killing for the rest of her eternal life." Wesley pointed out. "Staking is really the only option."

Angel sighed. "I just -" he began then broke off. "It's not her fault she's like that. It's mine. And she shouldn't have to die for it. I just wouldn't feel right staking her."

"And there's no way I'm doing it." Spike said. "I've still got a bit of a soft spot for her even if she is completely off her rocker."

"Fine, get Buffy to do it. Then everyone's happy." Cordelia suggested impatiently.

Buffy glanced over at Angel and saw the guilt and indecision in his eyes. She knew how badly Angel felt over what his demon had done to Dru and maybe now they had a chance to put things right. "Maybe we can find another way of dealing with the problem," she said slowly.

"Like what?" Wesley asked. "Do you think we should curse Druscilla with a soul?"

"No!" Angel replied vehemently. "Dru's pretty unhinged already. She wouldn't be able to cope with having a soul. All the pain and the guilt that comes with it would just push her over the edge." He paused. "Besides we don't know that the curse would work on any vampire other than myself." 

"What would you suggest then?" Interjected Wesley again.

"That we get her a chip like the one Spike has." 

"But, Spike was chipped by the Initiative, they don't exist anymore. And all their supplies and technology were destroyed when they were." Buffy pointed out.

"Maybe, maybe not." Angel told her. "I'm assuming they had other facilities like the one in Sunnydale elsewhere. And it's highly doubtful that the technology for Spike's chip was totally lost. The army are probably still continuing their work in that area."

"Yeah, but how are we going to get one of those chips from them? I guessing you just can't mail order one," said Cordelia. 

Angel sighed. "Buffy, can you call Riley?" 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After the discussion, Gunn had approached Angel in order to discuss Faith's welfare. He had already spoken to Faith, who pretended that it was no big deal. She claimed she was fine, that Buffy had just caught her off guard and everyone was making far too much fuss over it. Gunn desperately wanted this to be the case, but somehow he doubted it was. Faith had been dropping hints ever since they left the hospital that there was something wrong with her, but he was too blinded by false hopes to listen and she was too proud to say it outright. Now, however, they would be unable to ignore it any longer. 

He had found a packet of pills in Faith's bag, so he assumed that she had already been to the doctor about it. If she'd been diagnosed with anything serious then she would have told him about it, he was sure. He would talk to her about it when they got home that evening, but he didn't want to bring it up in front of everybody. The other option was that Faith's current weakness was somehow supernatural in origin and related to being the slayer. He was half hoping that this was the case because then at least there would be some counter spell they could cast, to make Faith better again. This was why he wanted to broach the subject with Angel. The vampire was more knowledgeable in such areas than Gunn was. 

Angel had been very non-committal, however, and if anything Gunn felt worse after talking to him than before. Angel had basically confirmed that he had noticed something wrong with Faith as well, which crushed Gunn's hopes of having imagined the whole thing. But the vampire had refused to speculate as to what the problem might be, saying only that he'd have Wesley look into it. Gunn had a horrible feeling that Angel knew more than he was letting on, that Faith was ill and Angel didn't want to worry him about it until it was confirmed by Wesley's research. 

Gunn kicked the wall out of anger and frustration. He hated this. He hated everything about it. It was like events were just spiralling away out of his control and there was nothing he could do about it. It wasn't fair. He had been so happy last night. Everything seemed perfect, and now they were facing another crisis. Why couldn't the fates just leave them alone to get on with their lives?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Buffy replaced the receiver of the phone gently. Riley had been surprised to hear from her and even more surprised when she had explained why she was calling. There had been a long silence on the other end of the phone during which Buffy had worried he wouldn't help them. After all why should he? The relationship they had had college ended disastrously and they hadn't exactly remained friends after that. The one time they had met since then, by chance at a party hosted by Cordelia, had worked out pleasantly enough, even if there was some initially awkwardness when Riley discovered she was back together with Angel again. However, Buffy had got the impression Riley wanted her to keep in touch with him afterwards, which she simply hadn't been willing to do. Riley was a nice guy, he really was, but back then Buffy's restored relationship with Angel had still been quite new and she didn't want to risk jeopardising it by renewing close contact with her ex. 

Riley had finally spoken. He could help her. It would have to be this weekend, though; because that was the only chance he had to get time away from the military base. Buffy had thanked him profusely and arranged for him to arrive at the offices of Angel Investigations tomorrow, Friday, evening. She was just contemplating how kind it was of Riley to agree to help, especially considering his immense dislike of both Angel and Spike, when she was startled by a noise from behind her. She turned around to see Spike himself standing there watching her. A silence hung heavily between them. Buffy flashed back to the last time they had seen each other back in Sunnydale.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Buffy leant back against the rough surface of the headstone and slowly took several deep breaths of the cool night air. She was struggling desperately not to cry. She couldn't cry, she had be strong – for Dawn, for the people of Sunnydale that depended upon her to keep their streets safe at night. She had to finish her patrol. She had to bring herself to carry on through the cemetery, on the route past her mother's grave.

She felt tears pricking her eyes again and fought to blink them back. She didn't want to do it. She didn't want to have to see the freshly dug earth around the grave, or the many bouquets of flowers with their formal messages of sympathy, but most of all she did not want to see the inscription on the headstone. _Beloved Mother_. 

She looked down to her right hand, which was clutching a stake so tightly that her knuckles had turned white. She could do this. She wasn't Buffy, whose mother had just died. She was the Slayer - the Chosen One. She was strong and she was powerful. She couldn't let herself feel all this grief, all this weakness. If she dropped her guard for one single second, like she was doing now, then someone else could die. She could lose Dawn, or Willow, or any of the other people she cared so deeply about.

She jumped to her feet and stalked off down the path through the cemetery, daring any vamp to attack her. She tried to walk straight past it without looking - she really did - but it seemed to pull her attention towards it. It was like being at the scene of a horrific accident; you didn't want to look, but you had to anyway. So, she stopped and turned when she reached the grave. She stared at it for a long time, not even noticing that the tears she had previously been fighting so hard against were now streaming down her cheeks. This was her mother in this grave. Her Mom's body lay under this earth, devoid of life, slowly rotting. 

She dropped to her knees in front of the grave, opening sobbing. She just wanted to cry and cry, until she'd shed enough tears to fill the emptiness that now existed inside her. But it wasn't possible. The void now left in her life, the hole in her heart, it could never be filled. She felt a hand upon her shoulder and spun round in a whirl of violent confusion. Her slayer instincts activated she delivered a raft of blows to her attacker. Kicking him first in the gut, then punching him in the face. Until she realised that he wasn't fighting back.

Buffy stopped fighting for a second and blinked away the tears that were clouding her vision. She realised that her 'attacker' was in fact Spike, who couldn't fight back. She continued her assault, anyway. How dare he creep up on her like that! He had interrupted her outpouring of grief and now that emotion needed an alternative outlet and was finding it as anger. She pummelled her fists into Spike's chest, not hearing his loud cries of protest, and delivered a kick that sent him sprawling backwards into the wall of a mausoleum.

She rushed over to pin him to the wall and raised her stake, holding it poised above his heart, ready to plunge it in. Then rational thought returned to her. She shouldn't be staking Spike, he was their ally not their enemy and he couldn't hurt anyone, anyway. It would be wrong to kill a harmless creature. She lowered the stake and just stood there, her body pressed against Spike's, holding him against the wall. 

She felt a cold hand against her chin and Spike tipped her face up towards his, so that their gazes locked. Buffy's eyes, still wild with anger and grief, met Spike's ice blue stare. The next thing she knew, they were kissing. The stake she was gripping so tightly fell to the ground and she fell into a vortex of sensation, feeling only the rough coldness of Spike's lips against hers. She wanted to feel, wanted to wipe away the events of the past few weeks. None of it had ever happened. Nothing existed beyond this moment. She let her dark side take over. _She was the slayer!_ She could do anything she wanted. And if that included sex in a graveyard with a vampire, then so be it. She needed this, needed the passion to erase the pain. 

She let Spike turn her body, so that she was the one with her back against the wall and he was holding her there. His lips moved down to her neck and she felt the tips of his fangs brush her pulse point. A shiver of fear shot down her spine, even though she knew he could not actually bite her. His fingers fumbled with the buttons of her blouse and his cold fingers played over her breasts. He raised his mouth up to her ear and whispered in it.

"Buffy…"

Her body stiffened and she pushed him roughly off her. He fell over on to the grass, looking annoyed.

"What's the bloody hell's the matter?" Spike asked angrily. 

"What did you just call me?"

"I think it was your name, love."

"You never call me by my name," she yelled at him. "It's always 'slayer', or 'love', or, or -" Her voice cracked and she broke off, starting to sob uncontrollably. 

"You all right?" Spike asked uncomfortably. "We were having a good time, right?"

"No!" Buffy managed to choke out. "I hate you! Stay away from me. I never want to see you again!"

"But…"

"Leave! Before I stake you!"

Spike slunk off in the darkness and Buffy collapsed to the ground, wanting to vomit. What was wrong with her? Was she becoming like Faith? _Want. Take. Have._ She'd almost had sex with Spike. She couldn't believe she'd even contemplated it. It wouldn't have brought any answers, anyway. She would have felt better for about a minute then the raw grief and despair would have returned, only to be coupled with guilt and disgust that she'd slept with a vampire. _Not that it would be the first time_, she remembered bitterly. 

_Where is he, _she thought. _Where's Angel when I need him?_ _He should be here holding my hand, being my strength, telling me everything is going to be all right. But he's not. He's gone. Everybody leaves me. _She curled up into the foetal position on the cool, damp ground and cried. Her tears fell and mingled with the dew on the grass until she had none left inside her to shed. 

*~*~*~*~*~*

Spike had left Sunnydale that night, Buffy remembered, and had never been seen there since. They had heard tales of him, of course. Murmurs of a reconciliation with Druscilla, suggestions that he'd got rid of the chip and was now leaving a trail of death and destruction behind him as he travelled across Mexico. But Buffy had never paid much attention to these rumours. Neither had she ever divulged his true reason for leaving. If she knew Spike, and she thought she did, he would be just keeping a low profile somewhere. He was not a showman like Angelus; he would simply find a crypt somewhere and survive on alcohol and butcher's blood, until something forced him to change his simple way of life. Of course, now that something was Dru and her two new prospective suitors. 

Buffy knew how hard it must be for Spike to face her after she had rejected him so cruelly all those years ago. This was probably why he had shown up drunk last night – he had needed Dutch courage in order to ask for her help. She wanted to say something. Sorry, perhaps, or thank you for being there. For always keeping her on her toes. For not letting her just fade away. But she knew she couldn't say any of those things. The very nature of their relationship was such that feelings were not talked about and there was no way either of them would want to bring up that night in the graveyard. She had never spoken of that night to anybody and even Angel only knew the barest of details. It remained in her and Spike's memories only and it would stay that way.

So, now Buffy only smiled awkwardly at Spike and walked past him out of the room. What was done was done. It may not be forgotten but it was certainly over with. Dragging the past into the present would only complicate things. She headed down the corridor to the main office without looking back, but she could feel Spike's eyes following her all the way. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Faith came into the office the next morning feeling embarrassed. She'd made such an idiot out of herself the previous day. After all fighting was the one thing in life that she was actually good at. It was the one area in which people respected her ability and talent, where she felt confident in herself. And yesterday she had made a complete and total mess of doing it. She was almost ashamed. But this morning she felt a lot better, much stronger than she had yesterday. The rest had obviously done her good. Maybe she was just taken on too much too soon, like everyone kept saying. 

Hope was beginning to get fractious, a sure sign that she wanted feeding. Faith decided to take her into Angel's office to do this, knowing that it would be empty and quiet in there. It was still quite early and last night those members of the team who were skilled fighters (which had until recently included her, Faith recalled ruefully) had gone out in search of the demons that were after Spike. The search and kill had taken them well into the early hours of the morning. Faith had been awoken at three a.m. by Gunn coming home. He had staggered into bed tiredly and just managed to confirm that the demons were in fact both dead and that everyone had survived the fight unhurt, before sinking into a deep sleep. He was still sleeping peacefully when Faith left that morning, so she assumed that the others would be equally exhausted.

When she let herself into Angel's office, however, she was surprised to see the vampire awake and sitting at his desk already with a serious expression on his face. Wesley was also there, familiar notepad by his side, books strewn in haphazard piles around him. The Brit's expression mirrored the vampire's.

"Hey guys, what's up?" Faith asked, trying to keep her voice casual.

"Perhaps, um, I should, er, leave you two alone to discuss this." Wesley said tactfully and got up to leave the room.

"Hi, Faith. Why don't you sit down?" Angel motioned to the chair Wesley had just vacated.

"Sure, why not." Faith did as suggested then pulled Hope up onto her lap with her. "What's going on?" Angel sighed and a strange look crossed his usually impassive features, like he had bad news to break but didn't know how to say it. Faith was beginning to get worried now. "Angel tell me," she demanded.

He ran his hand through his hair nervously then started to speak. "Faith, after you collapsed yesterday, we were quite concerned that there might be something seriously wrong."

"Hey, I'm fine, OK?" Interrupted Faith. "That was just a stupid mistake. There's nothing wrong with me."

"Maybe, maybe not." Angel answered cryptically. "That all depends on your point of view."

"What?"

"I got Wesley to do some research last night whilst the rest of us were out hunting those demons. He searched through all of his books for any past references to slayers that have had children." He paused. "There weren't many, of course, firstly because slayers generally don't live very long and secondly because in the past they were never allowed to marry or have children. But, Wesley did find one, at the turn of the twentieth century. She had an affair with her watcher - it was quite a scandal at the time. However, what was noteworthy was that after her pregnancy the girl never made a single successful slay again."

"Well, that's not really surprising when you think about it." Faith spoke with false levity. "She's a single mom with a kid to look after, I'll bet she didn't have much time for slaying."

"The child was taken away from her shortly after it was born. It was believed in those days that a slayer's life should be devoted solely to her calling. The girl was launched straight into re-training with a new watcher, but the diaries record that her technique was seriously impaired and her strength and speed drastically reduced. The first time she was sent out on any kind of mission she was killed by a fledgling."

Faith shifted uncomfortably in her seat upon hearing the sad tale of one of her sister slayers. The story hit closer to home than she was willing to admit. "What's this got to do with me?" She asked.

"It would seem you're suffering the same weaknesses at this slayer." Angel pointed out gently. "Buffy said that you lacked any kind of power in your fight yesterday and Gunn told me that you've been much more easily tired recently."

"I just got out of hospital. I was seriously ill. And now I've got to look after a young baby full time." Faith protested loudly. "How do you expect me to be feeling?" As her mother got more and more worked up so did Hope. The baby started to cry and Faith cradled her close to soothe her. Once Hope had quietened down Angel spoke again.

"Faith, it's not going to do anyone any good to deny what's going on. We understand all the reasons you have for not feeling well, but we both know that they're not adequate to explain what's going on. Now. Wesley came up with a theory and I'm inclined to think he's right." He stopped for a second, allowing Faith a chance to take in his words then continued. "It is a natural instinct for a mother to devote the whole of her life to looking after her children. It's programmed into human genes. And it's quite possible that if a slayer were to continue with her calling after she had had children then the children's lives may be endangered because the mother isn't there to protect them." He paused again. "So, Wesley believes that your body had rebelled against this happening. That in order to ensure you are not distracted from your biological responsibility to care for your children you've lost your abilities as a slayer."

"What do you mean _lost_ them?" Faith was horrified, the whole of her self-identity was based on the fact she was a slayer. If she ceased to be this, then she was nothing. She was worthless. "Is this just a temporary thing, or will I get my strength back one day?"

Angel didn't answer. 

"I'm stuck like this for the rest of my life aren't I?" Faith asked bitterly. "I'm just going to be weak and pathetic and useless from now on."

"You're not any of those things." Angel replied quietly. "You're just not a slayer any more. You're on a different path now. Your role in life is that of a carer not of a warrior."

"Does anybody else know?"

Angel shook his head. "I'll speak to the others if you like, but you should tell Gunn yourself."

Faith nodded then fiercely wiped away tears that were threatening to form. "Oh my God, I'm just like Cordelia." She tried to joke in mock horror.

"I don't think that'll ever be true." Angel reassured her.

"I thought women were supposed to have be able to have careers _and_ babies nowadays."

Angel smiled sadly. "It is how it has been since ancient times and how it shall always be."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Riley walked into the offices of Angel Investigations for only the second time ever. It looked much like he remembered it from last time. He was even greeted by the same bored receptionist – the one married to the big Hollywood scriptwriter. It still puzzled him why she should be working there when she clearly didn't need the money. Mind you a lot of things still puzzled him about Angel and the influences he had over many people. _Not least Buffy_, he thought bitterly, then reprimanded himself. Buffy was clearly happy with Angel, even if he was a vampire, and he should be happy for her. It was just difficult that was all. 

When he walked in through the door the receptionist merely lazily raised one eyebrow at him and waved him though to Angel's office. Riley grinned nervously and pushed open the door to the office, which he quickly noticed was filled with people, the majority of who were in the midst of snacking on take out pizza. Buffy smiled when she saw him and gestured to an empty chair.

"Hey, Riley. You want some pizza?"

Riley declined and took a seat next to a slightly familiar woman holding a baby. His eyes scanned the room and settled on Angel who nodded formally at him.

"Thank you for coming," the vampire said stiffly. "We really appreciate your help. I realise you already know a few people here." Buffy smiled encouragingly at him and Spike casually flicked his eyes in Riley's direction, seeming to notice the newcomer for the first time. "But perhaps some further introductions are necessary," continued Angel. He worked his way around the room, indicating each person present in turn. "This is Wesley. Gunn. And," a small smile played at the corner of his lips, "you may remember Faith." 

Riley twisted uncomfortably to look at the woman sitting next to him. He was mortified. It was bad enough to be facing Angel again but to actually meet with Faith and in the presence of Buffy as well, that was just almost too awkward to bear. After what he had done with her…God, he didn't even want to think about it. He smiled anxiously and shifted slightly further away from her. 

_ _

"Don't worry I'm not gonna jump you." Faith smirked. "I think I can resist the temptation. Besides I should be getting home and putting Hope to bed."

To Riley's amazement Buffy actually laughed at her comment. He couldn't believe it. She was able to joke about an incident that had caused so much pain at the time, something that he still felt guilty about to this day. And here she was as well, sitting chatting casually with the woman she was supposed to hate fervently. He could barely hide his incredulity as Buffy walked happily across the room and lifted Faith's baby _(Faith's baby?)_ out of her arms whilst Faith gathered together her things. Buffy really had moved on, Riley realised. She was a different person now. She had a whole new set of friends and things that were important to her six years ago barely caught her attention now. It shocked him to see such a change in her, when he himself had barely altered at all. He was still in the army and he was still hung up on the girl he dated in college. 

He felt ashamed of himself. What right did he have to still harbour feelings for Buffy when there relationship had been over so long ago? He should be moving on with his life like she had. _Though had she really?_ A small voice inside him asked. She had got back together with her first serious boyfriend. The guy she had been in love with since she was sixteen years old. Maybe that was the problem here, Buffy was his first love and first loves never died. His heart still quickened in her presence and his voice still caught in his throat. He still compared every woman he ever met to her image of perfection.

He noticed Buffy giving him a strange look so tried to drag his thoughts back to the present. Angel was speaking to the black guy he had introduced as Gunn, suggesting he should go home with Faith, an obvious indication that the two were a couple. Riley made a mental note to avoid Gunn during his visit, the guy looked pretty dangerous and very pissed off, especially when Angel mentioned that they would not be needing his help that night. Riley noticed Gunn make a move to argue against Angel's dismissal of him but one look from Angel soon silenced the other man's protests. Riley recognised this as a testament to Angel's authority. The vampire was clearly the one in charge here and his word was law. 

"And before you leave can you ask Cordelia if she's ever going to join us," added Angel.

"Don't bother!" Came a yell from the outer office. Moments later the brunette receptionist, Riley now assumed to be Cordelia, stuck her head round the door. "I'm still opposed to your little plan, remember? Druscilla deserves to be staked, period. Have you forgotten what she put you through with Darla already?"

Angel sighed. "Cordelia, we've been through this."

"Yeah, you feel guilty, blah, blah, blah. Well, tell me something new, _soulboy_. I for one am not going to go around 'saving' every evil creature in the Los Angeles area code just because you have an attack of the guilts." She spun round on her heel and stormed out, closely followed by Faith and Gunn who were leaving anyway. 

Riley watched the whole display in confusion. This was just getting stranger and stranger. The only person around the office who didn't seem to respect Angel's opinion or authority was his secretary. Riley briefly wondered if the two were having an affair. It would explain why she stuck around, but where did Buffy fit in with that scenario? Did she know and stay with him, anyway? And what was Spike doing here? These people really were bizarre and Riley resolved to complete his favour to Buffy as quickly as possible then get out of there, before he got even more caught up in their incestuous relationships. And before being in such close proximity to his ex-girlfriend caused him to completely lose the capacity for rational thought. 

He took a deep breath then spoke up. "So, I uh, have the chip that you needed." The whole group turned their attention to him, so he continued. "The technology's actually advanced a lot since Spike had his implanted. Now we have a special hand-held device that allows even those soldiers totally inexperienced in this, uh, type of area, to make the implants." He pulled out a plastic tube that looked rather like a thick marker pen and proceeded to demonstrate with it. "You load it with a chip, hold it against the neck of the creature…sorry, individual, you've targeted then depress the button on the end. You see, simple. Even an idiot could work it."

"Clearly." Spike muttered under his breath. 

Riley glanced suspiciously over at the blonde vampire then decided to ignore the comment as the others were choosing to do. Obviously Spike's opinion wasn't valued too highly here, after all. "So, how did you want to work this?"

"That's up to you." Angel answered smoothly. "We assumed you'd want to be the one to carry out the actual implantation of the chip, since you went to the trouble to get it for us. So, we can restrain her for you, if that sounds acceptable."

Riley nodded. "Fine."

"Well, what are we waiting for then?" Spike suddenly stirred into action. "Let's get on with it."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Four hours later Buffy sat perched on the bonnet of Angel's convertible waiting for him to come out and join her, so they could go home together. They had traced Druscilla to an abandoned warehouse in downtown LA and after a considerable struggle had managed to get the chip implanted into her. She had surrounded herself with a group of several minions all of whom had to be dusted before they could get to Dru. Then the vampire herself had put up a terrific fight and they'd had to knock her unconscious before Riley could get anywhere near her. Angel was now waiting for her to wake up, in order to check that the chip was working, before he left. Buffy wished that he'd hurry up. The sight of Angel, Spike and Dru all together again was bringing back some rather unpleasant memories.

She heard footsteps behind her and turned to greet Angel with a bright smile, it wasn't him, however, but Riley. Her smile faded momentarily until she forced it back for Riley's benefit. He had risked his whole career to help them this evening and for that she was very grateful.

"Hey," Riley addressed her.

"Hey, yourself." She paused. "Listen, I wanted to say thank you for what you did tonight. You didn't have to help us and, well, I really appreciate it."

"Well, you know, I did it as a favour to you Buffy. I think it's pretty obvious to everybody that I still have feelings for you."

"Riley…"

"No, let me finish. I still care about you, which is why I think we shouldn't ever see each other again. I wanted to be able to have you in my life as a friend, but I know now that's never going to work." He paused and smiled sadly. "Every time I see you I'm reminded of how lively and beautiful you are and it's like I take six steps backwards. I fall in love with you all over again. And I don't want it to happen any more. I want to move on – like you have."

Buffy nodded understandingly. "I want you to find someone, Riley. I really do. Someone who'll love you with all her heart. Utterly and completely."

"Like you never could." His words caused Buffy to look away guiltily and he reached over to turn her face back towards him. "It's all right. I think I understand now," he continued. "And as much as I hate to admit it Angel's actually an OK guy." He fingered the graze on his neck where one of Dru's minions had nearly got its fangs into him, before Angel staked it. "Just one thing, though, there's nothing going on between him and Cordelia is there?"

Buffy laughed out loud. "Uh, no. Whatever gave you that idea?"

Riley looked embarrassed. "Nothing."

Buffy gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "You really are a peculiar guy Riley Finn."

"Not as peculiar as you Buffy Summers." He grinned lopsidedly at her then turned and walked away into the night. 

Riley was barely gone when another figure emerged from the warehouse. It was Spike this time. Buffy briefly wondered why he had come out to talk to her and if it meant something had gone wrong.

"Is everything OK?" She asked. "Do I need to call Riley back?"

"Everything's fine, love." Spike answered. "Dru woke up and the chip's working great. It's driving her up the wall, though. I'm surprised you haven't heard her screaming. Peaches and that ponce of an ex-watcher volunteered to try and calm her down while I came and had a word with you."

"What did you want to talk to me about?" 

"I thought I should let you know I've decided to stay with Dru for a while." Spike answered awkwardly. "She's gonna have some problems adjusting to the chip, so I figured she could use the help from someone who's been there."

"I thought you hated Dru." Buffy said. "She dumped you then she challenged her two new lovers to kill you."

Spike shrugged. "She needs me. Besides look at what Peaches has put you through and you still stay with him."

"Love ain't brains." Buffy whispered, echoing the words Spike had once said to her and which suddenly seemed even more poignant than ever. She'd loved Riley with her head, never with her heart and he'd known the difference. Angel, despite all the problems they'd had together, she simply could never stop loving with anything less than her whole soul. Then there was Spike, who stood now, uncomfortably, in front of her, unwilling to meet her gaze. It may have been Druscilla he spoke of when he first said those words, Buffy realised, but it wasn't Dru he was thinking of now. It was herself. Somehow in his own bizarre little way Spike loved Buffy and she saw it clearly now. Yet there was still nothing she could do about it. She would never, could never, feel the same way about him and to mention it now would just be to embarrass them both.

She touched him on the arm softly. "I just hope you know what you're doing."

He fixed her with a sharp look. "I might be love's bitch. But at least I'm man enough to admit it." He pulled away from her and walked back into the warehouse, passing Angel as he did so. The two vampires nodded brusquely at one another. Then Angel came over and drew Buffy into a close embrace. She pillowed her head against his broad chest and closed her eyes briefly.

"Home?" He asked quietly.

"Please."

THE END

_Thank you for reading!_


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